remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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