Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
