You can't special order awesome
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
