I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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