Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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