Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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