so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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