mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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