There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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