it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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