Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
