my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize