also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
