I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
