I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
