she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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