He is an equal opportunity slut.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
