How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
babies were throwing up all over the place
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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