Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
