You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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