Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
