Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
