i think my tv is drunk
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
