i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
