he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
