My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We left the knife in your bed.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just want nice things and good sex
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
