Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
