ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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