Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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