We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
