quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize