My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
