Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I deserve this hangover.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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