you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
