I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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