she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize