The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
