why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
