I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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