awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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