Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
