There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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