Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I would ride that face into the sunset
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
