You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
