one might say we're banned from that church
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
