She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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