yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Panties = found
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
