After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
