I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I faked an abortion last night.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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