its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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