I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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