I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
