Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
