So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
