Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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