she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
