So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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