He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
