what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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