thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
