We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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