I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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