Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
